How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
