mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
