Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My underwear smells like fireworks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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