I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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