My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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