First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
