you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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