I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
