I wish I only lived at night.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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