I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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