Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
