Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
