i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
