I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
now i know why i became what i already was.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
