Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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