Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
