im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
