Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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