So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
