sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
