just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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