dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I deserve this hangover.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
