I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize