Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
