census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
