If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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