You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize