Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
