Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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