I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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