Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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