If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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