I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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