A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize