What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
