True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
