Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
