Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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