Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You left your phone here
Wait...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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