Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
