and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
