My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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