Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
