my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
