Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
