but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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