its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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