I must be too annoying 4 u.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
