I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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