it was like his penis was on wheels.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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