So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
