So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
