If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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