If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
