That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
