Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
